I won’t lie. I am feeling particularly bad ass right now.
I RAN. Sure, I walked a lot, and only ran for approximately 5 of the 30 minutes I was out. Also, I use the term “ran” loosely. It was more like meandering. Slow trotting. But, WHO CARES?! Look at me! I’m a 5 minutes out of 30 minutes honest to goodness RUNNER!
The part that makes me feel bad ass is this – the program I am following does not calculate mileage. You train by time. I used the bike trail by my house, which is approximately 2.5 miles long. This morning I did an out-and-back, but didn’t go all the way to the end. I thought maybe I did 2 miles. Well, guess what! I measured it in the car and it was 2.6 miles total!! Do you know how awesome this makes me feel? I AM AN AGENT OF THE AWESOME. I go forth and do badass things!! RAWR!
- I didn’t stretch before my workout. I warmed up with a walk, but I am thinking that I should incorporate a more specific warm up routine because my calves ached a lot, and for the entirety of the workout.
- It’s amazing how difficult it can be to really focus and slow down your pace to a jog that is only slightly faster than your fastest walking speed. I really had a hard time with this. According to the book “Running Your Butt Off”, you are supposed to be able to talk comfortably, and if you are breathing hard, “you are going too fast”. Well, darlings, I have been slacking off for so long that I can get out of breath if I WALK too fast. So, it doesn’t take much to get me out of breath. I didn’t beat myself up too much over this, though.
- Did I mention that my calves hurt a lot? Well, they did. I stopped for a few seconds 1/4 of the way in to stretch and that helped a little. They were seriously tight.
- I think I need new shoes. My poor Sauconys have seen better days, I am afraid.
- When I got home, the muscle that runs up the front of my shins was unbelievably tight. To the point where I thought it actually might cramp. I did a lot of stretching, and that seemed to help. I also had Jello legs. I wobbled right through my front door, nearly tripping over the cat. I know that there is Runners High, but is there also Runners Drunk? That’s the best way for me to describe it. I was Runners Drunk when I got home.
This brings me to my only beef with this run, and it is an issue with myself. I HATE having low self esteem. From the moment I started getting ready for my run, to the second I got home, I battled with this issue. It started with my clothing. I had a hard time finding anything “comfortable” to wear. Even when I did, I found myself pulling and tugging at unforgiving fabric in order to appear less fat. Well, honey, guess what? It doesn’t matter how much you pull at your shirt, things are what they are until you lose a little weight. That’s the reality of hitting your highest weight in 10 years. Reality or not, I hate feeling uncomfortable and ugly in my clothing when I leave the house.
Then, I got self conscious as soon as I hit the street. All I could think about were the vehicles driving by, and how they must be either laughing at me, feeling nauseated by me, and judging me either way. I realize that not every driver is looking at me. But, I am more aware of the possibility that they are because I look at runners, all the time. Mostly out of jealousy, but regardless, I still look. You know you do, too. Do I laugh or throw up or pass judgement on these runners? No, because I know what it is like to be one of them, and I want to be like them again. I am also not stupid… there is a segment of the population who finds it fun to laugh at overweight people who workout in public. To me, when I feel self conscious, there is one of those people in every car that goes by.
Finally, there are the people on the trail itself. Walking dogs, jogging, biking, or just out for a stroll. I am constantly mindful of how I must look to them. If I see another runner approaching, I find myself feeling stupid when my one minute of running is over and I have to start walking. I am self conscious about being so sweaty, and passing by someone when I am walking. I think to myself… “God, they think I am this sweaty from WALKING. I should run, so I don’t look completely FAT and OUT OF SHAPE.” It’s a vicious fight that goes on in my brain.
I think I’ll call it The Inner Ugly.
The Inner Ugly makes me unhappy. It causes me to want to stay home until I lose 50 pounds. It makes me want to run only in the dark. The Inner Ugly makes it impossible for me to get lost in my run, because instead of thinking about quality things, I am focused on my perceived flaws and shortcomings. I had forgotten about The Inner Ugly. It used to plague me daily when I was running and racing last year. I hate it.
Anyways… that’s my first day back to running recap. Overall, I feel pretty awesome and proud of the fact that I didn’t really want to go out and do it, but I still did. I’m excited about the fact that there was a tiny voice in my head that piped up and said, “Hey… no one is going to run this program for you. It’s only 30 minutes. You can spend 30 minutes on yourself. Get up and GO.” And so, I did.
Questions for those of you who have been so nice to read this far…..
Do you have The Inner Ugly battling you? What have you done to combat that? I need ideas… because it never goes away. Thanks!